Of Beckett and Bashings
by Luthy Lovett
Summary: Various Beckett bashing goodness. Huzzah!
1. In Which Beckett Gets Squished

Summary: Okay, got a new chapter story for you guys, just 'cause I love you so much! XD In this story, I write about various Beckett-bashing goodness. You read them, and (hopefully) laugh. Get it? Got it? Good.

Disclaimer: Do I _look_ like I would own PotC? That's what I thought. I suppose the oliphaunt _might_ be mine, but he could've followed me home from some zoo. One never really knows. Oops, nevermind. He did follow me home, from the local Zoo of Tolkien's Awesome Beasts. Poo.

**Chapter 1: In Which Beckett Gets Squished by an Oliphaunt**

Beckett was taking his usual 5-in-the-morning walk. He looked up at the sun, and smiled happily.

"Ah!" he said, stretching his arms out. "What a lovely day!"

Suddenly, he heard a gruff voice call out, "Sic him, Leroy!"

Beckett stopped walking. Frowning, he turned around to see who had spoken.

It was Spazzy. You may know him as Jacoby.

"You!" Beckett exclaimed, pointing a finger at Spazzy.

"Yeah? Wot about me?"

"I didn't know you spoke English!"

"I don't," Jacoby grunted, turning away. Beckett shrugged, and began walking again.

Suddenly, a loud thumping was heard. The ground shook violently, and birds fell out of the vibrating trees.

Slowly, Beckett turned around.

There, stampeding straight towards him, was an oliphaunt.

Yes. One of those. From Lord of the Rings.

Riding on top of the oliphaunt was Legolas and Gimli.

"Go, Leroy, go:" Gimli hooted, urging the oliphaunt onward. Beckett stared at the oliphaunt in shock. (By the way, if anyone can draw, I'd _love _to see them draw this scene! XD)

Leroy stopped in front of Beckett and trumpeted.

"Squish him, Leroy!" Legolas said, grinning. Just to make sure Beckett wouldn't run away, he took out his trusty bow and shot an arrow through each of Beckett's feet.

"Owww!" Beckett whined.

"Don't be such a baby!" Legolas huffed. "I didn't like you when I saw the movie, and I hate you even more in person. I'm so glad me and GImli get to do this!"

And before Beckett could say anything else, Leroy squished him.


	2. In Which Beckett Is Tortured By Jack

Disclaimer: I can't think of anything creative to put here at the moment, so I'll just say: No.

**Chapter Two: In Which Beckett Is Tortured By Jack in Various Ways and Gets Tickled to Death**

Jack grinned widely as he looked at his prisoner.

His prisoner was Lord Cutler Beckett, who was tied spread-eagled to four pegs in the ground. He was clad only in his belly dancing outfit. "What are you going to do to me?" he asked, fear in his voice.

"Oh, no worries, mate! It'll be fun!" Hack's grin grew even wider.

That just made Beckett even more afraid. He whimpered, and closed his eyes.

"Now fer the first game!" Jack announced, holding up a pair of scissors. He approached Beckett, an evil glint in his eyes.

"What are you planning on doing with those?" Beckett's eyes were nearly popping out of his head.

Jack merely laughed evilly. He was now standing directly in front of Beckett. He squatted down next to him.

Slowly, the scissors descended.

Beckett squawked in fear as the scissors came closer and closer to his skin.

_Snip_, went the scissors.

"Noooooooo!" Beckett screeled (there's me word again!).

Jack had snipped off one of the many noisy, shiny coins on Beckett's belly dancing outfit.

He laughed evilly again, and cut off the rest of the coins as Beckett howled and screamed. He then proceeded to take the stuffing and padding out of the outfit's bra cups.

Beckett screeched even louder.

"Geez, mate!" Jack said, wincing and covering his ears. "Ye'd think ye were bein' tortured!"

Beckett ceased his screaming, and caught his breath before answering, "I _am_ being tortured."

"Oh. Righ' you are!" Jack grinned. "Next game!"

He positioned himself comfortable on the floor, crossing his legs in a yoga-like pose.

Raising both his hands, he began to drum a sharp, quick beat on Beckett's bare midriff.

Beckett squealed and began writhing around again.

Now, you have to understand that this "game" must have been pretty painful to dear Beckett, because Jack was drumming pretty darn hard.

This went on for a bit, until Jack got bored with using just his hands to drum. He then began to use two wooden paddles to drum on his victim's stomach.

As he drummed, he sang a merry tune.

By the time Jack grew completely bored with the whole drumming thing, Beckett's stomach was bright red, and he was crying.

"Well, that was fun!" Jack chirped, tossing away the paddles.

He swaggered away, and soon came back holding a basket of beauty supplies.

"First," Jack said. "I'm goin' ta dye yer hair! Or, wig, as it were."

That said, Jack took up position at Beckett's head. He dumped various dyes onto Beckett's wig, and followed the directions on the hair dye bottles.

Jack sat back, pleased with the results.

He held up a mirror for Beckett to see what he now looked like.

Beckett screamed in a very high pitch. "M-my wig!" He spluttered, horrified.

"What? I thought ye'd like it!" Jack said innocently.

"I look like a snow-cone!"

Indeed he did. His wig was now dyed in various bright colors.

Jack shrugged, and proceeded to paint Beckett's finger- and toenails hot pink.

"Voila!" he exclaimed happily.

That game done, Jack moved onto his next game.

"What's that for?" Beckett questioned warily, eyeing the feather duster Jack was flourishing.

"This," Jack explained, and began to tickle Beckett's midriff with the feather duster.

Beckett giggled. Soon his laughter began to grow louder and louder.

He squirmed.

He peed his pants… er, skirt.

He begged and pleaded for Jack to stop.

But Jack simply ignored him, and tickled valiantly onward.

The tickling finally got to the point where it was painful, and Beckett suddenly exploded.

Literally.

Little bits of Cutler Beckett flew everywhere, and Jack dove for cover.

Mercifully, Jack avoided being splattered with Beckett-flesh.

He stood up, gazing at the morbid yet satisfying scene.

Jack shrugged and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Whistling, he sauntered down the hall, and then exited the building. He turned and looked at the sign for a final time.

"Tortuga Middle School," he murmured. "Well, in that case, I'll let the janitor clean it up."

And with that, he turned and headed for the nearest tavern to celebrate.


	3. In Which Beckett Hears Organ Music

(Sorry if this one sucks. I wrote it while I was listening to my /illegally/ downloaded copy of the soundtrack. XD I plan to buy the soundtrack soon, no worries. This chapter was inspired by the track The Kraken. Wooh.)

(And by the wayyyy... I now have a captions page for PotC. There's a Beckett one. XD I have the link on my profile, check it out! Sign the guestbook with your FF name!)

**Chapter 3: In Which Beckett is Forced to Listen to Organ Music**

"Fear my nifty organ!" cried Davy Jones.

He laughed his evil laugh as he sat down to play. He smiled at Beckett, who was currently being held against the wall by two crewmates.

"You know, that's my favorite method of restraint/confinement."

That said, he began to play that super-nifty organ tune from track two, the Kraken.

He dramatically pounded upon the keys with hand, claw, and tentacles, and somehow an entire orchestra soon appeared in the corner to help with the nifty song.

A trumpet player marched up to Beckett and blatted his trumpet right in his face.

"Hahahahahaha!" Davy Jones laughed from his organ.

That's when the chorus-people came in, and they swarmed around Beckett, chanting loudly.

"Ha, yah, ho, hah!" chanted the chorus chantily.

Spit flew, and Beckett cringed and writhed.

Davy Jones stood up and did the Macarena for no reason, then sat down quickly.

"Wooh! More organ!" he said, as he dragged his organ over to where Beckett was. He then proceeded to play it very loudly, until the room was so filled with awesome music, that Beckett's tiny brain could no longer take it and his head exploded.


	4. In Which Beckett is Eaten by Maccus

Disclaimer: Beckett's VERY lucky I don't own him. I mean, look at what I'm doing to him now! XD

**(Bashing ideas welcome! I've made up a list of 25 so far, and would love to see it grow!)**

**Chapter Four: In Which Beckett Is Eaten by Maccus**

"I'm hungry!" Maccus roared, pounding his fist on the table. "Where's my food?"

Maccus was sitting in Beckett's office. Why was he sitting there? Because he had been invited in by the servant.

You know which servant I'm talking about, right? He's the traumatized one who always appears in my Beckett fics. Well, he needs a name. I hereby entitle him… Gloop.

"It's coming, milord!" Gloop sang out, sounding cheery and un-traumatized for once in his life.

A short time later, Gloop bustled in, carrying a covered dish.

Smirking, he set the dish on the table, and took off the cover.

There, trussed up with an apple stapled to his forehead, was Beckett.

"Mmmfgrawwk!" said Beckett, his voice muffled by the duct tape Gloop had wrapped around his head twenty times.

"Oooh, sushi!" squealed Maccus like a little girl, capping his hands together.

Picking up a fork and knife, he carefully carved off a hunk, and chewed on it thoughtfully.

"Mmm, tastes like a limy, icky man that everyone hates," Maccus mused, breaking into a wide grin. "Just the way I like it! And the duct tape adds a rather nice spice to it."

"I'm glad you like it, milord!" chirped Gloop, beaming.

Soon, Maccus tired of the knife and fork. He dropped them, and simply tore into Beckett with his pointy, sharky teeth.

Beckett protested heartily about this.

It was to no avail. Soon, there was nothing left, except for Beckett's wig.

Leaning back, Maccus sighed and burped contentedly.


	5. In Which Beckett Is Tickled

(**_Heylos! I've decided that I am going to create a contest. Now, there will be a prize, but it's rather small, since I don't have money or t-shirts to throw around. XD The prize for winning the contest is that I'll make you a caption with a character of your choice, provided it's from one of the two PotC movies. The caption will be yours to keep and do what you want with it- I won't post it on the captions page. It'll be YOURS XD So. The subject of the contest will be to write a fic about Will's whipping on the Dutchman. It can be humor, angst- anything you wish. If you'd like to join the contest, PM me, and tell me that you would like to join. After that, write up your story, and email it to me. There's really no deadline for entries, but I'll post a message up here when I'm not accepting any more entries. Have fun, and get writing!)_**

**Chapter I-forget-what-number: In Which Beckett is Tickled and Kicked Over a Cliff**

"Bugger." Jack Sparrow muttered, glancing down at the unconcious body at his feet. "I think I tickled him too much."

The person he had tickled was Beckett. He lay there, drool pouring out of his mouth. Suddenly, he started shifting around.

"Oh! I know!" Jack chirped, skipping over to a cannibal's hut. For he was on Cannibal Island. Woot, woot! XD

Anyhoo, he entered the hut, and grabbed some spices. As Beckett woke up, Jack waltzed over to him.

"Oi! Mate!' Jack shouted in Beckett's face. "Ye awake?"

"Grawwwk?" Beckett squawked groggily. He blinked a few times, and yawned. "Whassgoingon?"

"THIS!" Jack giggled, and dumped the various spices over Beckett's head. Taking out a bottle of Hershey's chocolate syrup he had found, and squeezed some into Beckett's eyes.

"AHH! I'M BLIND! GRAWWWWWK!" Becktt, now fully awake, ran in circles, sneezing, covered in spices, with chocolate dripping down his face.

"That's right, you bloody chicken!" Jack chuckled, nancing over to Beckett.

Beckett was now tottering at the edge of the cliff.

'Ta!" And with that, Jack shoved Becky over the side.


End file.
